alt: In the background, dark green leaves and white flowers. In the middle is a rectangle with text: why everyone should learn about aromanticism. By elle also known as scretladyspider.
The best people you can learn from about love — and I mean this sincerely — are aros.
The aromantic community will show you that you’ve been taught to treat romantic love as a hierarchy and capitalistic exchange of power, and that all bonds, all relationships, are valuable.
Aromanticism is a romantic orientation in which someone experiences little to no romantic attraction to anyone of any gender.
There are some who experience romantic attraction rarely, or only ever under select circumstances. While there is community overlap between asexuality and aromanticism, aromanticism is not a subset of asexuality. Sexual and romantic orientation are two different things. There are people who are aromantic and asexual, or aroace. But not all aros are also ace, and not all aces are also aro. For example, I am an alloromantic ace (demisexual/gray ace).
Alloromantic (not aro) expectations, amatanormativity, teaches — and expects — that everyone has and needs a someone. But not in the sense that that person will help you find more of yourself. Rather, it’s always in the sense that you’re a half, incomplete, not whole without a romantic partner.
Aros were the first people in my own life I saw defy that idea, directly and indirectly. In the face of loneliness, I watched aros say “I’m not a half. I’m whole.” They declared they were enough on their own. Some were “loveless”. Others were in close partnerships. All of it was more.. independent.
It’s not that I didn’t or don’t see aros get lonely or sad. It’s more that aromanticism had asked them to ask themselves what they needed first, not what another person needed from them. Since coming out as ace myself and talking to aros, not just lurking in aspec spaces, I’ve learned more.
Aromanticism deconstructs gendered romantic expectations and hierarchical structure surrounding romantic, platonic, and familial relationships. It turns everything about how we relate to one another upside down. Instead of hierarchy, it asks that all relationships truly be respected.
Deconstructing what I think of as romantic love with the lessons aromanticism continues to teach me has shown me a lot about myself, what’s sustainable, and what I would want in a partner if I should pursue a serious relationship again at some point. The deconstruction of amatanormativity (the expectation that everyone experiences romantic attraction) that aromanticism brings is something everyone should learn from — especially alloromantics like myself. (Alloromantic means you’re not aro/in the aromantic spectrum). (Like how allosexual means someone isn’t under the asexual spectrum.)
If you’re alloromantic — look to aros.
Look for the lessons in deconstructing every part of heteronormativity, especially amatanormativity (and also allonormativity). You’ll learn a lot. And you’ll be better for it. I promise. I know I am.
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