Where The Word ‘Demisexual’ Comes From

Elle Rose
8 min readJan 3, 2023

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A background of purple and pink flowers, mostly blurry. On the right side there is a semi-transparent black square and the title of the essay, “Where The Word ‘Demisexual’ Comes From”, by scretladyspider AKA Elle Rose.

Conditional sexual attraction. Rare sexual attraction. Sexual attraction that only forms under a specific circumstance.

Confusing, wibbly-wobbly, sexual attraction type… stuff.

There are a lot of experiences under the gray area between allosexuality and asexuality that are difficult to put words to. Having words and language for these experiences can be helpful, but sometimes the words don’t exist yet. We have to create words to describe what we’re already experiencing.

The experience isn’t new; naming it is.

Demisexuality is a word for an experience that already existed but was not named.

This is a history of where the word demisexual came from.

What is demisexuality? (and other terminology)

For the uninitated, we should go over basic terminology. Those who are already familiar with said terminology may decide to scroll to the next section.

Demisexuality is a sexual orientation underneath the umbrella of asexuality. Asexuality is experiencing little to no sexual attraction, with some experiencing no sexual attraction to anyone else, and others experiencing low levels of sexual attraction or experiencing sexual attraction under a specific circumstance.

Being allosexual is the opposite of asexual, meaning that a person experiences sexual attraction and does not need specific criteria to be met. For allosexuals, sexual attraction is something that isn’t so rare it can be counted on their fingers, but rather a passive part of their life that is just a part of who they are, just as the experience of little to no sexual attraction is just a part of being ace.

The area in between asexuality and allosexuality is a sort of gray area underneath which many microlabels for specific experiences under asexuality are housed. Sometimes this is referred to as its own sexuality, known as graysexuality or being gray-ace, which describes low levels of sexual attraction or sexual attraction that is rare, if experienced at all.

Exceptions to no sexual attraction — the “little to no” in “little to no sexual attraction” under asexuality — are where and why we have labels like demisexual.

Demisexuality, one of these experiences of exception. It is defined as when a person only experiences sexual attraction after a close bond is formed. It isn’t the same as just waiting to have sex — we are talking about sexual attraction, not action. While one may influence the other, they are not the same thing, and for many aces, they are not tied together in a way that makes sense from the outside to most allosexuals.

Because demisexuality deals with having rare or conditional sexual attraction it falls within the spectrum of asexuality most often — although it can describe someone who has differing levels of sexual attraction for different genders when experiencing multiple gender attraction (though this I see much less often). Demisexuals can be any romantic orientation, gender, or race. Demisexuals may or may not be aromantic or alloromantic, meaning they may or may not experience romantic attraction.

I am demisexual; I am ace.

I use both the terms demisexual and graysexual to describe my sexuality, and will be talking about this as an ace. Ace is short for asexual, or the asexuality spectrum. The asexuality spectrum is also sometimes shortened to acespec.

Being demisexual doesn’t mean that someone will experience sexual attraction as someone who is allosexual. It means that once sexual attraction is experienced, it’s due to the conditions of that bond. It’s still conditional. It’s still ace. We are still living a mostly ace life, with the possibility of an asterisk.

Unlike other sexual orientations — although much like many labels housed under the asexual umbrella — demisexuality focuses on how attraction is formed, if at all, rather than who the attraction is to. Other forms of attraction can occur. Many demis and aces split attraction. This causes a lot of confusion from the outside, where it looks like demisexuals are simply people who experience sexual attraction and wait to have sex. There’s nothing wrong with doing that, but it should be noted that this is not what demisexuality actually is.

It’s because of exceptions to the experience of asexuality that in 2003, the evolution of what we now know as demisexuality began.

2003 to 2006 on the AVEN forums: Halfway between asexual and full-force sexual

Discussions about people who were living mostly asexual lives with some exceptions started not on a tumblr roleplaying forum, but instead on message boards for the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network, or AVEN.

In 2003, the term ‘semisexual’ was coined by AVEN’s founder David Jay, who had this to say on the topic: “It occurs to me that we’ve got a spectrum of sexual intensity, but we don’t yet have a word for those who are halfway in between asexual and full-force sexual. I’d say that this is extremely important: right now we don’t have a way to talk about people who are asexual but maybe feel like being sexual once a year, or sexual people who are just relatively uninterested and don’t know what to do about it. Thoughts?”

A screenshot from the Asexuality Visibility Network’s forums which includes the quoted text above this image. Medium’s text limit for alt text was not long enough to accommodate it.
A screenshot from the Asexuality Visibility Network’s forums which reads: “AVENguy Posted October 27, 2003 If anyone wants to play a fun game, go to some queer-ass conference (called something like “transcending boundaries”) and play a game where you try to think up a term/identity for every letter of the alphabet. When you do you’ll be forced to think up new, interesting ideas like: Semisexual It occurs to me that we’ve got a spectrum of sexual intensity, but we don’t yet have a word for those who are halfway in between asexual and full-force sexual. I’d say that this is extremely important: right now we don’t have a way to talk about people who are asexual but maybe feel like being sexual once a year, or sexual people who are just relatively uninterested and don’t know what to do about it. Thoughts?”

This lead to further discussions of specific terminology, or microlabels, that could be housed under the umbrella of asexuality.

In February 2006, the user sonofeazel coined the term ‘demisexual’, writing in a thread about their experiences, “…If “sexual” is for both and “asexual” is for neither, maybe we need a new term for people who only have one but not the other? I propose “demisexuals”.”

Screenshot of post on the AVEN forums, quote from which can be found in the paragraph above.
Screenshot from the Asexuality Visibility Education Network Forums. Post by sonofeazel quoting to reply to Forbidden-furry. Text reads: “ sonofzeal Posted February 8, 2006 ~Forbidden Fury~ said: I have developed more detailed terms, though I’m still working on them. Primary sexual attraction is sexual attraction mostly based on physical attributes. An on-sight type of thing. Secondary sexual attraction is sexual attraction that only develops after in contingent upon emotional attraction developing first. That actually sounds pretty accurate to me. So I’d have secondary sexual attraction, but hardly any primary. If “sexual” is for both and “asexual” is for neither, maybe we need a new term for people who only have one but not the other? I propose “demisexuals”. ^^”

In February 2008, user OwlSaint described demisexuality as a sexual attraction that only forms under a close bond — the definition still recognized today. They said, “A demisexual is, in my book at least, someone who does not experience sexual attraction to people in general. I’ve yet to see a single person and think “hot” or “10 out of 10” or “I’d like to hit that”. Sex with someone rarely crosses my mind and when it does it’s usually more along the lines of “could i force myself to with…. ew no”. In that respect, I can and do identify as asexual. However, with someone I’m in love with, it’s completely different, and I might as well be a “full fledged” sexual, but only with that one person. Full fledged meaning actually desiring sex, both for the physical and emotional aspect, being attracted to that special someone, and feeling sexual arousal in terms of wanting to do something on multiple levels instead of simply the biological reflex or “ugh not again”.”

Screenshot from the Asexuality Visibility Education Network Forums. Post by OwlSaint. Post reads: “OwlSaint Posted February 16, 2008: A demisexual is, in my book at least, someone who does not experience sexual attraction to people in general. I’ve yet to see a single person and think “hot” or “10 out of 10” or “I’d like to hit that”. Sex with someone rarely crosses my mind and when it does it’s usually more along the lines of “could i force myself to with…. ew no”. In that respect, I can and do identify as asexual. However, with someone I’m in love with, it’s completely different, and I might as well be a “full fledged” sexual, but only with that one person. Full fledged meaning actually desiring sex, both for the physical and emotional aspect, being attracted to that special someone, and feeling sexual arousal in terms of wanting to do something on multiple levels instead of simply the biological reflex or “ugh not again”.

There were already demisexuals who were frequenting AVEN forums when it was defined in its current usage in 2008, and long before that also. The trick was finding a word that those of us with this experience could find community and identity within. Demisexual was the accumulation of years of discussion regarding these sort of gray area experiences. It wasn’t the first, and it wasn’t the last; new terminology is invented all the time.

Why does it even matter?

You may be asking “why does it matter? You just have morals. You’re not a slut. This isn’t a thing.”

Brushing past the sexist language regarding women who have active sex lives and also equating demisexuality with being feminine, this line of questioning means one of three things. Either you don’t understand demisexuality, you are demisexual so you think this is how everyone is, or you have never had to pick yourself apart trying to figure out who or what you were.

If you fall into the latter camp, I envy you. Not having to dissect yourself because you have no one to ask very basic questions and no resources for who you are, sometimes decades into adulthood, is a privilege that I hope someday everyone has.

Demisexuality as a label is a tool for helping people figure themselves out. In a word that shuts out queerness, and even where many queer people either don’t include or don’t know about the spectrum of asexuality, tools like this matter. They aren’t right for everyone, but the people they are right for can have our lives changed forever for the better.

Demisexuals as a community is a group of people who are just trying our best to find ourselves, to find acceptance, and to make you understand this strange, anomalous experience between the gray areas of being ace and allo. We’re all doing our best at it, as exhausting as it can be.

Demisexuality as a sexual orientation isn’t us saying we’re better than you. The words we use don’t tell you about our sex lives any more than the words you use tell us about yours. Being ace doesn’t mean we hate sex inherently, though some of us are repulsed by the idea of having it. It doesn’t mean we’re sex negative, or opposed to you and yours having consensual sex, as much as you like as long as everyone’s safe. It isn’t a moral judgement on sex.

Finding who you are is something not everyone gets to do. The little things that help us get closer to that matter. They continue to matter even when they don’t make sense to anyone else, or even when they’re ridiculed or scoffed at. Saying “oh that’s how everyone is” and leaving it at that doesn’t stop us from being demisexual; it stops you from moving forward with learning about something new to you and understanding us better.

I hope the next time an internet columnist mistakenly says that “demisexuality was invented as a fictional sexuality for a tumblr role playing forum”, we can point back to the sources cited above, or to this post, and prove them wrong. (Not that that’s even the worst thing, but, it isn’t where the word was invented.)

Everyone deserves to use what words help them define their experience, if any do. Demisexual has caught on because it does that for a lot of people. I expect it will continue to do so.

Elle here! I just wanted to say a big thanks to my patrons and readers for your support in making posts like this possible; thank you. If you’d like to help me write more keep the lights on and keep writing, consider supporting me on Patreon, supporting me on Ko-Fi, or share this blog with your friends and foes on social media. You can follow me on TikTok, Instagram, Threads, Twitter, and subscribe to my channel on YouTube if you’d like. You can also contact me directly at secretladyspider@gmail.com — I do interviews about demisexuality, asexuality, ADHD, and disability, and more! I also just like it when people say hi. To take a look at my publications, interviews I’ve done for media, podcasts, and keep up to date with new stuff, check out my linktree. Again, thank you for reading my words; it means the world to me. Have an amazing day!

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Elle Rose
Elle Rose

Written by Elle Rose

queer. demisexual. ADHD. disabled. writer. YouTuber. shy but chaotic. they/she. contact: secretladyspider@gmail.com

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