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I wish that I had had demisexual representation in the media growing up.
It feels like so many people I know who are queer had an “aha, that’s what I am moment!” while watching television. They had already been wondering what the name for their experience was when Maureen said “I’m bisexual” out loud in rent. The aha! happens — and suddenly there’s a word for what they are. There’s a confirmation that other people are like you, too — you’re not some bizarre outlier to whom no one can relate. You have a community and friends. You just have to find them.
I didn’t get that. There aren’t demisexual characters in television and movies — at least, not that I know of at the time of writing this. There weren’t asexual characters on screen that I knew of as a child, either. We are starting to finally get some asexual character representation on screen. It’s miles ahead of where we were just ten years ago. As a demisexual, however, this would have served to both confirm and confuse my experience. Most of the time I didn’t have sexual attraction growing up, except for one or two instances in serious relationships. My aha! moment came on Tumblr, years later, and I fought with it for a long time because I didn’t want to steal or use a label that wasn’t my own. It had to happen several times for me to accept myself, and even now, it can be difficult.
I’d like to think that in the future there will be a lot more aha! moments for aces across the spectrum of asexuality, demisexuals and graysexuals included. After all, these terms are becoming trendy as they get more exposure — both for people to validate and learn about and for people to make fun of and dismiss. Even the comedian Tom Segura dismissed asexuality recently on his podcast. When McKayla Kennedy-Cuomo came out as demisexual the demisexual community rejoiced — finally, someone famous had come out as demi! This joy was short-lived, however, when multiple outlets, journalists, and even queer educators trusted in other aspects in the community scoffed and laughed at the word and what it means.
I wonder what her demisexual aha! moment was like, and if she initially dismissed it out of fear of rejection. I’m glad she came out publicly. I’m sure it gave many demisexuals their “oh, that’s me!” moment of realization. I think we all deserve that.
